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“I’m sorry, if you were right I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams

We all know them. Those maddening people who absolutely must be right about everything. Those tenacious crab-like creatures who hook on to an argument and like a disgruntled bulldog who won’t let go until they prove their point to the point you are brain dead from listening to their pseudo scholarship.

The need to be right is one of our cultural memes. It is embedded in all of us. Human beings are capable of arguing about anything and we actually like it. It is invigorating, empowering and ego boosting. We continue to do it even though our brains and consciences know it is the reason behind hatred, violence and even war. When we are caught up in the thrall of an argument that has superseded the rules of debate we pay the price and often sever good relationships that had the potential of not only serving ourselves but others.

From the very beginning – the second we incarnate into this world, we are surrounded by the construct of right and wrong. Even our first encounters with education show us that correct answers garner us rewards and success. Correctness saves us from shame and embarrassment. The pity is this has nothing to do with actual learning and everything to do with conditioning. We have lost our way from ancient Greece when a student was rewarded for asking the right question rather than spewing out a correct rote answer.

Our fixation with beliefs also get thrown into this recipe. Thoughts and beliefs defend our territories and buoy our boundaries. If we think about it, this is linked to our primal cultures and the need to conquer AND the human ego need to be honored and respected above all – he who has all the toys wins – literally. What we have failed to grasp during our evolution is that the pervasive attachment to always be right erodes our natural instinct to learn. How can we learn anything new or add it to our mental catalog for consideration when there is such heavy preoccupation with being superior? It produces nothing except weakened communications.

“Life offers a cruel choice: you can be right or happy. Not both.” – Albert J. Bernstein

There is a freedom in not being right all the time. It is an escape from linear one dimensional thinking. If we look at this need honestly and with a clear lense, deep down inside we recognize that it is based in fear and aside from the overwhelming need to be credible, it is also based in the overwhelming desire to be in control. Winning an argument takes away the fear and puts one back in control. The sad thing is the identity is all wrapped up in all of this and accepts itself as an inflexible thinker which has become a self valuidated way 'to be'. So it must be remembered: "The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new." - Pema Chodron

"The more you know, the less you need to show." – Unknown … is a good place to start. Being willing to engage in a fair dialog without the need to dominate, being unyielding, putting others down, lying, exaggerating, screaming and harassing is the test. Starting out an argument with a clever detraction such as, "consider this" or "I'm no expert but .." does not assuage responsibility. In the end there is nothing won and much lost if that test is failed.

“Often after arguing about differing opinions, I hear people say, "Let’s agree to disagree." I look forward to a time, so open-minded I'll hear people say, "I'm right and you can be, too” – Paula Heller Garland

~ Dr. Max